At last, I clamber up from the depths, undead-like! Pale and dessicated, I shamble onward into a land that has become foreign in my time among the dead. It is I, survivor of that most vile of afflictions… food poisoning!

2012 is off to a gangbuster start for me. First my car sputtered its last gasp, and now I lost half a week to grossness. Everything was fine until last Wednesday night when something I had consumed decided to break forth from its meaty prison. I don’t know exactly what I ate that was contaminated, but while laying in bed in misery I had plenty of time to contemplate the culprit. I’ve narrowed it down to four possibilities:

  • Veggie tacos at Tijuana Flats – This is actually my least likely suspect, because I had the tacos for lunch on Tuesday, and I think I would have had trouble before Wednesday evening if they were to blame.
  • Leftover Bloomin Onion – I had lunch with my parents on Wednesday, and they had some soggy, greasy leftover Bloomin Onion from when they went to Outback the previous night. Definitely sketchy.
  • Alfalfa sprouts – I’ve never had trouble with these before, but recently I’ve been reading about all the horrible ways these things can infect you with disgustingness, and there’s no way to prevent it. We’ve had sprouts in salads and wraps recently. Celeste has eaten from the same sprouts and hasn’t gotten sick, but it’s still a possible source.
  • Frozen vegan chick’n patties – Ordinarily these are delicious and mundane little patties of awesomeness, but I ate two of them just about an hour or so before all hell broke loose. I think it’s possible we snagged a bad batch.

Whatever the source, Wednesday wasn’t a pretty night. After reenacting scenes from both Alien and The Exorcist (and possibly combining them along the way), I let Celeste dump me into bed, where I passed out cold. Thursday and Friday are a blur of me being in bed and feeling terribly as I floated in and out of various literal fever dreams. I had my Kindle Fire and Windows phone with me, but the only things I managed to do with them were look up more information about my impending doom and watch three episodes of Ice Road Truckers (possibly related to said doom) via Netflix on the Kindle.

In the grief cycle, there is a stage called Bargaining. I reached that in my illness somewhere around 3am on Friday morning. There’s an open closet at the foot of the bed, which was pretty much all I stared at this week. I have a bunch of collectibles stuck in there waiting to be displayed, and at some point I started pondering which and how many of those I’d be happy to give away for an instant end to my misery. I’m not sure to whom I would be giving these things, but hopefully they would have some use for statues of Witchblade and Wolverine. It wasn’t until much later that I remembered my delirious mental Let’s Make a Deal-ing with chagrin. But, even now, I’d totally give up some Witchblade for food poisoning immunity.

Celeste and my parents were fantastic throughout. My mom and dad came over a couple of times, laden with Ginger Ale, Gatoraid, Saltine crackers, and all sorts of other stuff, and Celeste constantly kept me sane, alive, and medicated when needed. I came out the other end of the tunnel Sunday morning, alive but wretched. I lost around ten pounds between Wednesday night and Sunday morning, and I’m now trying to gradually rehydrate myself. Having lost so much weight and completely dried out, my fingers kind of look like pale prunes right now, and my skin feels not unlike paper. It’s going to take some time to get back to normal, but I’m just glad I’m ambulatory now.

The only good thing to come out of all this (and it potentially is a very good thing) is that I apparently am broken of my caffeine addiction now. For as long as I can remember I’ve been hooked on soft drinks. At the time of The Incident on Wednesday I was averaging two Dr. Peppers a day, sometimes ramping up to three if I felt dangerous. Anytime I’ve tried to cut back on them has resulted in brain shattering caffeine induced headaches, so I’ve shied away from it even though I knew it would be good for me. After not drinking anything, caffeine or otherwise, during my illness, I realized I am over the caffeine headache bump. I’m not sure whether it will last, but I’m hoping I can ride this wave and cut sugary soft drinks out of my diet.

That’s how my holiday weekend was. How was yours?

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